Boaty McBoatface
Not long ago, I came across a piece of news that severely tickled my funny bone. It was my kind of story, a tale that doesn’t come across my desk nearly as often as I would like.
A few years back, England built a new scientific research vessel, a fantastic ship designed to cruise the Antarctic. Oh, the things this ship can do. My, my, my…you can only imagine. So, what’s the big deal?
As with any ship, it had to be named. The powers that be, in a nearly unprecedented lack of modern-day savvy, decided to conduct a poll, an internet poll, to name this state of the art vessel. They offered suggestions, all of which were summarily ignored. How about naming the vessel after Isaac Newton? What better way to honor Stephen Hawking? You get the idea. Much to my delight, the name Boaty McBoatface won the day. I didn’t have a vote, but I can assure you I was, and still am, all about #teamboatymcboatface.
When this fiasco made the news, I started getting calls from all around the country. Friends of mine knew this was my kind of story, and they needed to make sure I was wired in. Was I ever.
The intrigue began when The Minister for Universities and Science, Jo Johnson, refused to honor the poll results. Clearly, he could not allow a $300,000,000 piece of equipment to be disrespected in such a fashion. After all, this is serious business.
In 2018, the RRS Sir David Attenborough set sail to make the world a better place. It carries with it an autonomous underwater vehicle named Boaty Mcboatface. That was the compromise, we didn’t get the vessel, we got an autosub that is stored onboard, ready in the off chance it is ever needed.
What to do? In a severely under-reported stroke of genius, team Boaty McBoatface did not give up when the official announcement came that the ship would be named after Sir David Attenborough. Meetings were held, attorneys consulted, and a plan was formulated. If the government bodies responsible for naming the ship insisted on honoring Sir David Attenborough, then the logical course of action was clear. Can you guess what happened next? In a brilliant counter to bureaucratic arrogance, a petition was started to get Attenborough to officially change his name to Boaty McBoatface. As Mr. Burns from The Simpsons would say – “Hi – larious!”
The petition was presented to Attenborough and met with silence, eerie silence. I don’t know about you, but if I happened upon such a request, the last thing I would do is clam up. I imagine I would give the whole thing serious consideration. All I have to do now is accomplish something so extraordinary that someone would want to name a ship after me. I have been thinking about it, I’ll let everyone know when I come up with something.
